Where's my miracle?

It has been a while since I have written, I have sort of been lost in my own misery and not really sure how to get out of it or share it either. I tend to always tell people who ask me "Oh I'm fine" or "Good and you?" and never really talk to anyone about what is going on. I have never had very much luck on the friend scene, so I have a hard time sharing with anyone. And yes, I know, that's not the way God intended, but I have just felt very isolated lately. It's hard to share my worries and concern about our household with so many happily married christian couples. Some days its hard to even sit in church and look around and see so many couples there together. It hurts my heart so much, I can't even explain it. When I see a family sitting together on a row, and the husband very lovingly puts his arm around his wife's shoulders as she shivers with tears during a service touches my heart and breaks it all at the same time. Today a very nice dad at church says to me "you look like your hands are full, can I help?" I almost broke down into tears, I shouldn't have to depend on another man to help us get to the car after church, MINE should be there!! Not only for himself, but for us! I am sick and tired of seeing other families praising together, or praying together....it's mine turn. It may sound selfish...but this is where I'm at.

Well this morning at church God spoke very clearly to me. Just because it may not look like He is doing a work in our house, doesn't mean He is not right in the middle of our mess. Just because the vision He has given me about our family can't be seen right now, doesn't mean it's not coming. I have to be able to look past the current circumstances and see clear to the end result, and just BE PATIENT!!

I just realized something I said to Tyler this week, that I should take as advice for myself. It's much easier sometimes to teach it than to believe it for ourselves. Tyler's eye has been acting up for a while due to allergies, it has been red, and itchy, and irritated. We prayed over it directly one night, laid hands on it and asked that the aggravation be taken away from her. I told Tyler that when we pray for healing, it doesn't always just miraculously get better, it could mean that we know the right medicine to use, or it begins to clear over a few days. But I wanted her to understand just because it didn't immediately change, didn't mean God wasn't listening to her prayers. Well about 2 days after that, she was standing next to me, and my mom was saying maybe we should go see a doctor for it. Right at that moment, I looked at Tyler, and it was in just the right light, and at just the right angle, I saw what looked like a scratch on her eye. So I knew it was time to see a doctor. I talked to Tyler on the way to the doctor, that this was God answering our prayers. If I hadn't looked at her face at exactly that moment I wouldn't have seen it, and probably wouldn't have taken her to the doctor. Plus, I told her that God gives the doctors the knowledge to help us as well. So even though it look like a miraculous healing, God still had a hand in it all along. I need to take these teachings to a 9 year old and apply them in my own life! And remember just because we can't see our miracle right now, doesn't mean it's not coming.

What's your hang up?

The last few weeks in Kidzone, we have been singing a song called "God is Big". The kids love this song, in fact I love this song. They get so excited, and they scream it at the top of their lungs, because they don't know any different. None of the "junk" of the world clouds their view of God. Tyler said to me on the way home from church tonight "did you know that there was no beginning of time, that God always was." And she was completely amazed by it!!

The last few days I have been praying for God to help me "deal" with all kinds of stuff....help me deal with Abigail's asthma, help me deal with bad attitudes at work, help me deal with my frustrations at home....but here's the thing, by asking Him to help me "deal" with it, I am putting Him in a tiny box. I am making Him so much smaller than He actually is. Don't help me deal with Abigail's illnesses, just heal her, take them away from her. Don't help me deal with bad attitudes at work, change their hearts, make me a positive influence that is so BIG they can't help but agree. Don't help me deal with frustration, take the burden off my heart to handle it alone, and help me to truly hand it over to You.

I had no idea how much I was limiting what I thought God could do. How much lack of faith that I really have. He is so much bigger than we can even imagine, our tiny brains can't even begin to comprehend. I can't wait for the day when I get to stand in front of God and say "oh, now I get it".

Did I say that???

Everyday I get about 5 different scripture references sent to my email. 1 for healing, 1 for prosperity, 1 for faith building...anyways. As the day goes on, I read them at work to remind me that there is someone bigger than me standing in the gap for me everyday. The verses always seem to be right on time for me...it always seems like it was just what I needed to hear at the moment. Well today I was reading one of the emails that had this verse in it:
Mark 16:17-18 "And these signs will follow those who believe: In My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them; they will lay hands on the sick,and they will recover." It was one I had heard before, didn't really seem to be that big of a deal at the moment...but....one of my salespeople was reading it over my shoulder. He then says "I remember back in the 70's when people really thought they could speak in other tongues" and he proceeded to say a bunch of mumbo-jumbo and then laugh hysterically. Normally, because I didn't want to possibly offend someone, I would have just kept my mouth shut...but today the Lord was not allowing me to get by with that one. The words were coming out of my mouth before I even knew it. I said well actually there are still lots of people TODAY that believe that speaking in tongues is still very real and use them all the time. He laughed again and said "oh come on, you're kidding right? You don't believe in the mess do you?" I said actually I do, I believe there are many examples of tongues throughout the bible, first there are times when people spoke in their own language and everyone heard it in their own, then there are times when there are tongues spoken to a congregation through a member that someone will always have an interpretation for, and then the final type of tongues is a prayer language used to speak directly to God. I think I sort of shocked him, he quit laughing and started to ask real questions. He asked if I thought people yelling and screaming and acting crazy were real. I told him there are always people who put on just for the show, but I personally know people very close to me who very often and fluently pray in the spirit, and I trust them 100% and know that I know that I know that it is real! I told him that as you get more intimate with God in prayer there is a language that comes that is only between you and God.
I couldn't believe that I said that. I would normally not even begin to give my Christian views at work, I always felt that was one place that I shouldn't show that side of myself. But you know what....who cares what they think. Maybe by saying that someone will get one step closer to God. And you know what? If no one there did, I at least hope it will be me, bring me one step closer!!

Nothing is an accident

I have always thought that things happen for a reason...but today I think it goes one step further...I believe nothing happens by accident. Everything is planned out, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, by someon SO much bigger than us.

I always used to be a very impatient driver. I hated getting behind someone taking their sweet time and getting in my way. Then one day someone said to be....what if God was slowing you down on purpose? What if there was an accident just waiting to happen, that if you had been there 5 seconds earlier it could have been you? I take it now as a purposeful delay. What if the last 10 seconds of the song I am listening to on the way to work is the 5 words that I needed to get through the day, even if I didn't know it yet?

As I continue to pray for John to join us at church, something hit me today. It was no accident that he was the one who found the article in the newspaper about the grand opening of Breakthrough. He only looks at the paper once in a blue moom, and the one he choose to read that week had the article in it. As I type this now, I realize it is even much deeper than that. When he read the article he said it seems very much like your church in SC. He never went to church with us there, maybe once in the 3 years we went....how did he know what "our" church was like?? Apparently he saw enough of it in me and the girls that he know what it was about. That is awesome!! I think it wasn't by chance that he found Breakthrough for us...I am taking that as a sign straight from God. An omen if you will, of his future desire to join us there. I just have to wait until the time is right! If I can just be patient, and wait for God to reveal it...I just pray He will use me in every way He can to make the difference, whatever it takes.

Constantly amazed

This one is an easy one to write, something happened at church last night that completely took my breath away. In our children's worship we have Praise and Worship with all the kids, then we circle up and pray together before splitting into the age groups. Every time we circle up, I ask if anyone of them wants to lead us in prayer, usually no one says anything, and I always say that's ok, one day you will and go ahead and pray myself or have one of the other teachers lead.
Last night was different....I almost didn't ask, but something told me to....one lonely hand shot up like a light! I have to say I would have been proud no matter who's hand it was, but it happened to be my oldest daughter Tyler. My heart just lit up on the inside, I was so happy that she was willing to step out in faith, no matter what anyone else thought.

We have been praying more at home, and she will lead us sometimes, but its usually the standard help us have a good meal, or a good nights sleep, or a good day at school. But I haven't said anything to her because at this point any prayer is great! Well last night in Kidzone, she prayed all that first then....she says if there is anything on anyone's heart that is burdening them, I pray for them that You can take it away. I almost cried!!! It was so perfect, and so pure. Some days, she amazes me.

The other day we were at a friend's house who happens to home school all her children (bless her heart!!) and I wondered if my kids were missing out by us not doing that. Are they being exposed to things at school that we don't want them involved in? Are we making the right choice? God very quickly stirred my spirit and said that Tyler is going to be a very strong light for Jesus anywhere she goes, and if she stayed home everyday, how many kids would miss out on that blessing that is to come through her??

Hide all the mirrors!!

It is so hard to look in the mirror and see someone you didn't even realize you had become. What happened to that happy go lucky girl, who was all about her music, and didn't care what anybody else thought of her? Where did she go? I wish she would come back, I miss her.

But, in the same breath...I'm glad she's gone. We go through (notice I said through!!) things that shape us into the people we are to become. And on top of that, we go through (again with the through) the things that God has planned out for us so that we come out on the other side a different person. A smarter person, a more loving person, a more devoted person, a more focused person, a person that God can use to do His work.

It is very easy to lose sight of the person we want to be, and get caught up in the everyday, angry, hurt, bitter, miserable, fill in your own adjective, crazy person that we swore we would never be. In the process of praying for my husband, I am daily asking God to mold me into the wife I should be. Its amazing how many of the issues are not with him, but they are with ME!!! It isn't that he isn't listening to me about God, its that I'm not talking about God in front of him. It isn't that he won't consider going to church, its that I quit asking. Simply because I wasn't getting the answer I wanted right away. I can't expect it to be different overnight...it's a process. God will not throw Himself on you, He's not intrusive. He has to be invited in. I can't expect my husband to just wake up and one day say "Oh wow, I need God". I have to be patient, loving, kind, and continue to pray.

Lord, help me to be open to anything you would have me say so that I may be a small part in doing Your Will, not mine. Help me to stay calm and focused even when the devil is screaming at me that it will never happen. Help me to be the kind of wife you want me to be, cleanse me of any anger, past or present, any hurt feelings, anything that I could be holding against him. Soften my heart so I can be the best vessel for you that I can be. Renew me, remake me, undo me, unbreak me. In Jesus name I humbly pray. Amen.

New frontier

The days are getting better, for real!! I am amazed by the things that can happen when you ask God for them. I have been really trying to be calmer and more understanding lately....and it makes a difference to the response you get from other people. The book I have been reading really emphasizes that before you can ask God to change someone else, you better start with asking Him to change you first. 9 times out of 10, it may not be the other person at all!

I have been asking God to help me be more loving, and less argumentative, and slower to anger or show extreme emotions. There were some days it is very hard to stay calm and be nice, when no one else is...but self control is a good thing. Well, last night it paid off. John and I had a couple of hours together, just us, after the kids went to bed. It was perfect!! Nothing major, just a little time alone. Some days it seems like we lead very separate lives under the same roof, we each have our own little routines, and we kind of leave each other to them. But last night, they sort of converged, we were really "together". I told him how much I appreciated the time with him. Then God quicken me to say something before I even realized I was saying it....I told John that I had been praying to God to give us some time alone. I was praying a free trip for a weekend away would come up at work, and it would be given to me, so that John and I could go away. Please understand, that wasn't about my asking God for material things, it was about having some quality time with just John. We never do anything without the girls, we need some us time. But last night was a wonderful start. For me to tell him that I was praying about us was a HUGE step for me. I always try to shelter him from that sort of talk to avoid confrontation. But what do I have to lose? He's going to think what he wants to think anyways. But what if telling him this time could make the difference? What if I didn't tell him and lost that one opportunity to touch his heart?
I am just blessed. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our daily hum drum we forget to slow down and appreciate all the wonderful things God has for us. They may not be wrapped up all pretty and neat like we want them to be, but they are still ours!

Here's a bonus one....last night after I prayed for Abigail, she said I pray for you momma. I said ok. She leaned over to me, put her hand on my forehead, said take care of momma, AMEN!! Love that baby girl!!!