My amazing weekend!!

I have been trying to write this blog in my head for days NOW....but I couldn't figure out how to put into words what an incredible experience it was. I wanted to write a blog to explain our time at Duke with Abigail's surgery...explain what went through my head, what went on in my heart, what God did for both of us....but there is so much to say I can't decide where to begin. I will warn you up front...this will be a long one, but I had to get it out....mostly for me!

In my last blog I wrote how God told me that she is HIS child too, that He would look out for her. I was really in a wonderful state of mind, that I had put it completely in His hands. I was calm with it....I trusted Him to be sure it would be ok.

When we arrived in Durham, I was still just as calm. I knew that everyone was there to help her, not scare her. Every nurse and doctor we came in contact with was soooo incredibly nice. It would be so easy for them to be cold and stand-offish and mean, simply because they see this kind of stuff everyday. But no one was that way at all....everyone went out of their way to be extra wonderful!! I really couldn't believe that. The first wonderful nurse we came in contact with sat and explained everything to us. She asked me first how much I wanted to know, how much I could handle. I told her that I wanted to understand but without all the details. She sat with us for 2 hours and explained everything, she even drew an incredibly detailed picture of the heart and showed us where the defect was and how that affected her. She busted up a lot of my fears, and kept me calm through it all. She was scheduled for the first procedure of the day, we had to be at the hospital at 645am. (Here's a bonus blessing...God knew that I couldn't sit around all day waiting for it.) Anyways....so we went back to the hotel calm and prepared.

Everyone was praying for her....for us really. I honestly believe I could feel it, a true covering. There were people in every direction offering up prayers for her healing, for my strength, for our courage. It truly amazed me how BIG the prayer circles got. For weeks, I had felt pelted with "what ifs" from the devil...at this point I felt a barrier around us, protecting us from all his threats. That night, as I laid in bed with her....I just started to pray. I know that God knew how I felt, He had heard my prayers...I didn't need to ask for safety or any of that anymore....and this point I started CLAIMING things over her. I recited every declaration from Breakthrough that I could think of....

I stand against any plan the devil has for her!

I take the shield of faith and I quench every fiery dart!

She is the head and not the tail!

She is more than a conqueror!

NO weapon formed against her shall prosper!

I went on and on and on. I was crying, but not sad tears...but tears of determination, of strength, of power in HIS might.

The next morning, as we got ready to leave...I felt like I was going to absolutely puke! I was trying very hard to hold it together, to not look worried so I didn't scare her. Of course, my mom is the rock, 100% cool as a cucumber, not a flinch. Abigail was ready to roll, not a care in the world.

We arrived to the hospital....it was dead quiet in there. We are taken back to the cath lab to get her prepped. We had time for her to get to know the pre/post-op nurse, to be comfortable with her (**Another bonus blessing!!) Abigail laughed and was having fun...talking about stickers, and her sisters, and the stuffed monkey she brought with us. Then it came time to take her clothes off....she got a little freaked....but again the nurse was wonderful!!! She went and got a gown for her monkey too! And Abigail calmed down again. God placed the right people in our path, again He knew exactly what we both needed and made sure it went that way. She was ready to give Abigail a liquid sedative to "loosen" her up a little bit...she called it "goofy juice", that way she wouldn't panic or get scared when it was time to go. She warned us though that it tasted awful!!

Abigail is normally a great medicine taker....when I got this up to her mouth apparently she got a whiff of it and went nuts! Refused to take it. We had to hold her down and give it to her. But within 2 minutes the nurse looks at her and says "ready to go?" Abigail says ok, holds out her arms and goes right with her. (**Another bonus blessing straight from God**) There was no big ugly crying goodbye....for EITHER of us!! That was exactly what we needed. She was comfortable enough with the nurse that she went right to her.

The nurse comes out a couple of minutes later, says that she cried for me a little, but just hugged her the whole time until the medicine really kicked in. She gave us a pager, suggested we take a walk, get some breakfast, explore. I was not sure if I could do that or not....I wanted to stand with my nose to that door waiting for my baby to come back to me. But I knew I couldn't do that. Again, my mom the rock says lets walk down get some breakfast, it will be at least an hour. So we did....I didn't want to at first, but we did. I barely picked at a lemon poppy seed muffin...my mom says to me you have to eat it, she is going to need you when she wakes up, you have to be strong for her. I really tried to choke it down...but the last thing I could think of at that moment was me. They page us to let me know they gained access to her heart, and the procedure is officially started. So we headed back up to the cath lab to wait for her. After a while....the wonderful nurse came out and said the device is in, its all over!!

When she came out of the actual procedure, the nurse said that she would need to lay still for at least an hour to allow those wounds to clot on her leg. I knew there was NO WAY that she would lay flat and still for over an hour. Luckily they decided to leave her sedated after the procedure to allow for that. (Hallelujah!) She slept there, completely out for what seemed like an eternity! I wanted to grab her, hold her tight, and shake her awake!!!! It was so hard to leave her lying there. When she did begin to stir...it was so funny to watch her feel the grogginess of sedation. She said and did some really funny things....first her stuffed monkey was laying next to her on the bed, well at some point she saw him out of the corner of her eye and thought he was getting her. Her head spun around so fast to see what was there!! Then she says to us that she saw 2 of the same nurse! It was cute to watch her think this strange feeling through. We even asked her what she remembered....I asked if she remembered going into the other room, she said yes. I asked her who took her in there...she first looked at nana...no...mommy....no....oh yeah, her (the nurse). I asked what was in the other room...she said lots of TVs. I said what else happened...she says I cried for you, I said "(in a pitiful voice) I want my mommy". I asked what else...you could see the wheels turn and she said I don't know. So I asked how she got back out there with us....again, turning wheels, and said I don't know. Luckily....she couldn't remember a thing!! (*Another blessing!!)

God blessed us in so many ways the entire weekend. I still stand back and look at her in awe of the entire thing. How could this be? A few years ago she would have had to have a slit from her chin to her belly button, now all that's there are 2 little pin holes in her legs. AMAZING!!! Again I say God knew exactly what we could handle, what we needed, who we needed...and made sure it happened exactly that way!!!

For those of you who are interested...here is the medical part of it all. Before they went into her heart, they thought the hole was 8mm wide. The surgeon said until they actually got in there it would be hard to tell for sure. They go in through 2 veins in her legs...one for the cath and device, one for a camera. They put a small balloon in the hole and blow it up to measure the hole. It was actually bigger than they expected. All in all, hole and weak tissues around it, it was a total of 14mm, which is about a 1/2 inch. (Sounds huge, doesn't it??) The device they insert is incredible!! It is a very flexible thin piece of wire around 2 circles of gortex material. One circle goes on each side of the hole, once in place the 2 circles lock together. Within the first 12 hours, the device gets embedded in place. Within a month, tissue grows through and over the device to close the gap completely. Right now one side of her heart is enlarged because of the extra work...but he says that by the time she is a teenager her heart will be back to normal size. They did find 2 other small holes in her heart, less than a mm each. He said that if you go into any one's body you will find something. But he thinks these are no big deal. He thinks that as the tissue starts growing over this big hole, it will continue over the small ones as well. Even if it doesn't, he says these holes are not big enough to cause any trouble for her.

As I sit here typing this now....I am still in awe! I wish I could explain it more, but I can't put it into words. Words just keep flowing from my hands to the keyboard to the screen...but it doesn't begin to even touch the awesomeness I experienced this weekend.

HE was there the whole time!!!
HE was in control.
HE picked the doctors and the nurses.
HE heard my cries.
HE heard our prayers.
And ultimately, HE protected His baby girl!!!


Its funny to think back on it....there were 2 times that my mom told me afterwards that she was worried. She said the first day when she said that if they couldn't get the device placed, they would pull everything back out, then discuss rescheduling for open heart. She said the whole time during the procedure all she could think was they would come out and say the device isn't in. The 2nd thing she said the scared her was when she came out of the procedure and was still asleep...the nurse said once she was sleeping longer than she expected. Mom said that really worried her. Ok, so here's the funny part.....neither of those things even phased me, I never considered once what if! A couple of weeks before the devil was land blasting me with "what if she doesn't make it".....it was killing me. I was so consumed with fear.

But GOD changed all of that....I was not worried at all for her safety. He was there with her the whole time!! Like a blog I read a couple of days ago...the circumstances didn't change, God didn't change, His perspective on the situation didn't change...all that changed was...

I FINALLY TRUSTED HIM COMPLETELY!!!! And still do.

I am ready!

The time is finally here. We leave for Duke in less than 48 hours. A couple of weeks ago I was scared out of my mind, I was so worried....all the what ifs were clouding my mind. I was really freaked out about everything.

I had a talk with my dad Saturday night....he was telling me to calm down, relax, pull it together. I tried to explain to him that if it were me I could handle it no problem, been there, done that! But this is my child, my baby, my little Abigail...so I couldn't get it together. I was a wreck!

Well Sunday morning I went to church expecting to cry the entire time, to be a mess, have someone pray with me, and hopefully get it together. But during Praise & Worship time....I really felt God speak directly to me. He said I know you are worried about your child, but remember she is MY child too. How much more do you think I love her and watch over her?

I stopped dead in my tracks....I had never felt something so strongly in all my life. I knew that I knew that I knew it was directly from God. All through the service, over and over I heard in my head "she's my child too". And suddenly I felt such a peace over the situation, a calmness that I couldn't explain, a togetherness that I hadn't felt in weeks.

So although our bags aren't completely packed, and the car route isn't completely picked....I am ready 100%. He is in control, He will protect and watch over her. She will come out the other side a stronger, healthier little girl with a testimony so big that only He can get the glory!!

In HIS timing....AGAIN!

Again this week I am reminded that things happen in His time, not mine. Every time I say oh I can't do that, or I won't survive that....He reminds me, sometimes not so gently, that I can. I read a quote this week that said this....

"The task in front of me is never as great as the power behind me."

Why is that so hard to remember all the time? It's easy when things are going good, our jobs are great, we aren't arguing with our hubby, all the kids are healthy, we are happy with how things are going at church...but the minute, no the second things start to go a little wrong, we forget so quickly that He that is in us is greater than he that is in the world. Why do I forget so easily? This is what I have been asking myself this weekend.

If I know in my heart that God is in control...
If I know things will happen in HIS time...
If I know He watching over us and protecting us....
If I know He is the giver of all peace....
If I know He is the Lord of Lords....
If I know that He is the provider of all good and perfect gifts...
If I know He is the Great Physician....

Why then do I worry? Why do I let my flesh take over? No the truth of the matter is what to I let the stinkin' devil convince me of anything different?

We let our past haunt us, and think since I did all that way back when...maybe God won't take care of me this time. And the worst part is we let the devil tell us over and over that we are not forgiven, that we are not redeemed, that we are not HIS!

I can talk the talk when the going is good....but this week I vow to talk the talk and walk the walk even when I don't think I can, because I know that He always has my best interest at heart.

I know that my best is truly yet to come!!!

Boxes, boxes, and more boxes

Everything I have read lately is about putting things in boxes, and stepping outside your box, and not boxing yourself in....it seems like from every direction I only hear about boxes!!!

I have always loved little boxes though....all shapes, and sizes, and colors. They fascinate me!! I like things organized too...so even better! I buy things with all kinds of little compartments to put all my crazy things in. Each thing has its place, its perfect box, or drawer, or hole. I like knowing where are things are supposed to go, and where to go when I need them.....

But life is never like that!!

We never know what to expect....or what's coming next...or who is going to come into our path. We have to be prepared for anything and everything (can I get an amen from all the mommas in the house!!) We like to be comfortable in our perfect little spot in the world...and say ok, I'll stay right here 'til Jesus comes for me. Lately, I find myself asking, is that really what He wants? Are we supposed to just sit around, do nothing, behave ourselves, and wait for Him to come again? Is that all He expects from us? NO WAY!!!!!

He has so many plans for us to carry out on this earth....He does His work through us. And unless we are ready to listen for the calling, feel the uncertainty in it all, experience the new, and see the exciting things He has in store....we could sit back and miss it all!!


Think of it this way....when I came home with all A's on my report card way back when (I mean WAY BACK when) my parents would give me the biggest smiles, and hugs, and say how proud they were of me. Think how much MORE blessing God has for us if we do what He has asked of us?? Stop and think for a minute....what if you missed out on the biggest blessing of your earthy life simply because when God said talk to "that" lady, you didn't. She's too this, or she's too that, I don't want to, I don't know her, I don't know how to say that....whatever the excuse, SO WHAT....God just said do it. He will show you how, He will lead your heart, He will guide your words, He will give you the strength, courage, faith....whatever you need to carry out His works!! As long as you step out of your box, and trust God enough to show you....

That's my prayer today....show me God....show me more each day how I can do more and be more for You!!!