The mom in me

I am trying so hard to just hold it all together....be the calm cool christian believer who knows everything will be ok, to praise Him anyways, to smile and say she's fine, to do my regular every day stuff....when really I feel so overwhelmed by it all.

Everyone else seems to be so calm with it....meanwhile its all I can think about. It is literally worrying me to death. Now granted I am a worrier at heart, I can't help myself. But this is a new one for me....none of us or our children have really had to go through anything like this. My husband, my mom, even my friends are all so together about this....and I feel like a mess on the inside. Maybe its just the mom in me.... I don't know....but I don't know how to be any different.

The biggest question on my heart lately is why would He let her go through this? If His ultimate goal is for her to be healed and live out the plans He has for her....why this way? Why suffer? why surgery? why any imperfection? why the risk? why the worry? why the hole?

At first I was very upset by my doubt...but our pastor said this morning, you have to believe in something first to even have a doubt. So I know that I believe He is in control, and He only has plans of good for her...but still all the whys!!! I have got to work through these questions and get a peace about them...but at this point....I'm not really sure how yet.