My love is not my own....

I heard a song at the end of last week that has really stuck with me. I wanted to post it on here as a video but I couldn't find it on you tube. Can you beleive that??? Something NOT on you tube, I was surprised too. Anyways....

The chorus says....
"My love is not my own, it all belong to You.
And after all You've done the least that I can do,
is live my life in every part only to please my Father's heart."

It hit me like a ton of bricks! My love is not mine, it all comes from God. So He gets to tell me who to pass it out to, and how much. AND....since He loves everyone more than they deserve all the time....then so should I!

Meaning....that husband that just didn't fold the clothes right, or that child that smarted back one too many times, or that co-worker that just drives you nuts, or person in front of you who just drives too slow.....LOVE THEM ANYWAYS! Because He does...and to please His heart, I should too!

Short and sweet and to the point!!

The Jerky Monster Reared Its Head....

The fam and I went on an incredible trip to Great Wolf Lodge this week in Concord, NC. That place is amazing!! But I wanted us to go to spend a little quality time together. We never have time to just have fun and not worry about the phone ringing, or getting to work, or chores....so we just went! And it was perfect...no one yelled, no one misbehaved, no one argued, no one whined....we just hung out together and had fun!! It was exactly what we all needed, not just John and I, but the girls too.

When I originally planned the trip, I wanted to go on the weekend, because Saturday is John's birthday, so I thought we could go then. Plus my fasting would be over and it would make eating easier for us as a family. Well then I found out how much less expensive the room was on a Tuesday versus a Saturday....we saved almost $150!! So we went on a Tuesday. Which actually turned out perfect because there weren't as many people there either....the water park was much more bearable without lines....plus the 84 degrees inside was fabulous too!!

Anyways....so the first night I let John pick where he wanted to eat as a birthday dinner. He picks a huge steakhouse. I figured no big deal, they will have something I can eat, veggie burger or something....NOPE! Not a thing....I had a house salad. But it was fine, I was ok. He ate a 20 oz. porterhouse and it really didn't bother me. I only had 3 days left....and I had seen soooo many changes in our lives, we were at a new place, a new love, fresh and wonderful. So I was fine!!

The next day...the girls are eating ice cream...the most incredible looking ice cream I had ever seen! But I was fine....worth it...2 more days....I could do this. I was in control, not my flesh!

Then we all saw a store we had to stop at.....a Beef Jerky Outlet! Yes, you heard me right a jerky outlet...insane right?? I am a HUGE jerky fan, even made it at home before. But I knew we could buy some and I would take it home, and could have some on Friday. No big problem. I knew going in I couldn't have any now, and that was fine with me. God was doing things in me and my family and that was more important than any stinkin' jerky snacks! So we go in....and its incredible, every jerky you could imagine....beef (of course), turkey, alligator, ostrich, buffalo, kangaroo even. And its just everywhere!!! They had huge barrels of every flavor of beef you could think of along the outside, with little samples pieces that you could try. Well we are walking through and I wanted to try a piece to see if we wanted to buy any. My mind thought of it as a snack (which I am not eating either) but I rationalized it through that we were on our way to lunch and it was just part of lunch, not a snack, just a try to see if we would buy it. Five minutes later John says "you just ate meat." I almost cried right there in the jerky outlet. I couldn't believe it. I had gone 39 days...and now I screw up!! I was so upset with myself. I didn't even think of it as meat in my brain. I was crushed!!

One cool thing I can say (now that its over) is John was very compassionate about it. He knew it hurt my feelings, he knew I was upset...and he was very comforting about, very sweet!

I did feel like I was in trouble though. I had worked so hard, for so many days...and to screw it up on the next to last day. I was so quiet at lunch...I wanted to puke, I wanted to cry, I wanted to just curl up in a ball. Then it got worse....

John was telling me about a couple we had been talking to at the Great Wolf Lodge, and he mentioned my fast to the wife. She said that they had done a 21 day Daniel fast in January. (Awesome!! Small world really!!) Anyways...he said that she asked why wasn't he fasting too....well he then says to me that he told her because he didn't believe in church. I know my face went blank, I almost cried (again!) right there in Ryan's this time. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. I immediately felt like I was being punished. 39 days of fasting, reading, and praying....was now ruined in my mind. I was totally defeated.

I asked him why would he say that. He replied that everyone always assumed the worst when you say that. I agreed, I couldn't believe he would say that. I was so hurt at that exact moment. Say that you don't go with us or whatever...but don't believe! I barely spoke the entire ride home.

My love dare for the 39th day was to write a letter to you spouse explaining why you were in it for the long haul, why you are commited to them, and why you love them. Through writing that letter, I realized how far we had come. How much closer we are, how much more connected we are, how I see him through different eyes now. And I thought about what he said about not beleiving in church and that people assume the worst. He was right! I assumed the worst, I assumed that was the end of it. But he didnt say that he didn't beleive in God...just church. There's a difference. Baby steps....but there is still hope. And I will keep trying, and keep asking, and keep praying...one day....but either way, I still love him with all my heart, and covenant with God to always love him!!

New things....

SO much has been going on its been hard to find time to blog about any of it.

I don't even really know where to start. I am still fasting....please don't take that as a complaint because really its not. It has been amazing! Really! God is showing me some incredible stuff...about my self, my purpose, my family's purpose....its just so cool!

One day during the fast a friend and I decided to do a complete fast, water only. I was scared to death. (I can say that right?) I just knew I would be so hungry. I was used to eating all day, how could I even imagine that I could go all day with just water? I don't even like water!! And then to top it off...it snowed a ton that day, so I was stuck at home. Meanwhile the kids are eating every 5 seconds!! But ya know what...God is so much bigger than my stomach and its stupid wants. It was an incredible day. God dropped something in my spirit that day that really changed my outlook on things.

I was online chatting with a friend on facebook, just innocent talking about work. I was sort of complaining about changes and stress and being tired....that's when He dropped it in my heart...."You're not there for that." What you say God??? He said again "You are not there just to sell furniture. Look at the lives you are touching, affecting, changing. That is what you are there for. Shine my light!"

I almost starting weeping right there on the spot. It was incredible. There is really no other way to describe it. I always thought of my job as just that....A JOB and nothing else. I never thought about God having a purpose for me at work other than providing for my family. To think He wanted me there....that there are people there that I am supposed to influence. I needed to get over myself, and my complaints, and my stress and do what HE WANTS ME TO DO!!! Duh??

And once I did....here's the kicker. I was all in a tizzy about a new sales manager, what would he be like, too pushy, too mean, too hardcore, untruthful....the prospects scared me to death. Well this week he started a sales meeting by talking about how we all need to follow the example of Jesus! What? Say that again? A boss talking about using Jesus as an example?? Could this be happening? Here??? God is awesome!!!

Ok....so I am starting to ramble but I can't help myself. I am just feeling a difference, seeing a difference....and ready for more!!! Bring it!!