Me versus the other me....

Why is it so hard for me to see me the way others see me?

Do I hide the real me?

Do I only know the true me?

Do I wear a mask?

Am I just my biggest critic?

Who's right....them or me?

This last week, me and a few friends tried a little experiment. We wrote a letter to ourselves about how we see ourselves, and then wrote letters to each women about what we see in them. It was so hard for me to write the letter about myself! I wanted to be honest, not what I want to be, or hope to be, or what I thought other people want to hear....I wanted to write what I really thought of myself. Bottom line I ended up saying I was not enough! Not enough of a wife, not enough of a mother, not enough of a salesperson, and definitely not enough of a christian.

I don't read my bible enough, I definitely don't pray enough, I always forget to remind the girls to brush their teeth at night, never remember to clean out their ears, I am sure there are dust bunnies under my couch, and I almost always leave at least one pair of shoes somewhere in the house other than the closet. So how is it that my friends see me as an amazing example of a christian wife and mother? They talked about patience, and kindness, and a loving heart, and an incredible spirit, and seeing Jesus through me. Why is it so hard to see in myself???

Earlier in the week I had read Psalm 139, that explain exactly how God sees me, how He feels for me. If he is my example....then I should follow His lead on this as well.

Psalm 139:1-24 (NKJV)
"1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20 For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.[c]
21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting."


As an aside....do the letters with a few friends, take the time to send a few gals a nice heart felt, hand written letter....nothing on this earth is more precious than an encouraging word!

Can you define friendship?

Everyone thinks the know what it is to be a friend, but do we really?

I looked up the word friend online today, here are the definitions I found....


a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard

a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter

a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile


Yeah, ok, that's all true. But does that really cover it? Does that say what you feel about your TRUE friends? Is that it? Isn't there more than that?

I think there is. And a lot of this I am basing on a new journey in my christian walk God has me going on. I believe God puts other people in our lives for a specific reason. To hold us accountable in our daily walk. What good is a friend if she doesn't say "now wait a minute, was that really that right thing to do?" Is a friend someone who just goes shopping for new shoes with you or talks about the latest gossip? No she should be so much more than that.

Proverbs 27:17 says "You use steel to sharpen steel, and one friend sharpens another."

To be a true friend of course you are supposed to be supportive, and have fun, and go out to lunch with, and talk on the phone with, and text with, and laugh with.....But there is so much more that God has planned for me as a friend. Recently, I have become closer with a group of ladies that I already called friends....but God is leading us into bigger things. He is weaving a cord of women, a tapestry of our testimonies that cannot be broken. He has placed all of us on the other's hearts. I feel such a growing connection with these women that I can't even begin to explain. I love them with all my heart, and can't wait to see where God takes us together. There is a reason why He is pulling us together I just know it, there are women we are going to touch with our stories, lives we can change with our histories, and futures we can mold with our testimonies...all because God had it planned this way from the beginning.

I am proud to call the Fab Five my friends! Cara, Jade, Beth, Jenny, & Naomi...you are incredibly strong women, and I look forward to this growing sisterhood that HE has created.

"Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12

My love is not my own....

I heard a song at the end of last week that has really stuck with me. I wanted to post it on here as a video but I couldn't find it on you tube. Can you beleive that??? Something NOT on you tube, I was surprised too. Anyways....

The chorus says....
"My love is not my own, it all belong to You.
And after all You've done the least that I can do,
is live my life in every part only to please my Father's heart."

It hit me like a ton of bricks! My love is not mine, it all comes from God. So He gets to tell me who to pass it out to, and how much. AND....since He loves everyone more than they deserve all the time....then so should I!

Meaning....that husband that just didn't fold the clothes right, or that child that smarted back one too many times, or that co-worker that just drives you nuts, or person in front of you who just drives too slow.....LOVE THEM ANYWAYS! Because He does...and to please His heart, I should too!

Short and sweet and to the point!!

The Jerky Monster Reared Its Head....

The fam and I went on an incredible trip to Great Wolf Lodge this week in Concord, NC. That place is amazing!! But I wanted us to go to spend a little quality time together. We never have time to just have fun and not worry about the phone ringing, or getting to work, or chores....so we just went! And it was perfect...no one yelled, no one misbehaved, no one argued, no one whined....we just hung out together and had fun!! It was exactly what we all needed, not just John and I, but the girls too.

When I originally planned the trip, I wanted to go on the weekend, because Saturday is John's birthday, so I thought we could go then. Plus my fasting would be over and it would make eating easier for us as a family. Well then I found out how much less expensive the room was on a Tuesday versus a Saturday....we saved almost $150!! So we went on a Tuesday. Which actually turned out perfect because there weren't as many people there either....the water park was much more bearable without lines....plus the 84 degrees inside was fabulous too!!

Anyways....so the first night I let John pick where he wanted to eat as a birthday dinner. He picks a huge steakhouse. I figured no big deal, they will have something I can eat, veggie burger or something....NOPE! Not a thing....I had a house salad. But it was fine, I was ok. He ate a 20 oz. porterhouse and it really didn't bother me. I only had 3 days left....and I had seen soooo many changes in our lives, we were at a new place, a new love, fresh and wonderful. So I was fine!!

The next day...the girls are eating ice cream...the most incredible looking ice cream I had ever seen! But I was fine....worth it...2 more days....I could do this. I was in control, not my flesh!

Then we all saw a store we had to stop at.....a Beef Jerky Outlet! Yes, you heard me right a jerky outlet...insane right?? I am a HUGE jerky fan, even made it at home before. But I knew we could buy some and I would take it home, and could have some on Friday. No big problem. I knew going in I couldn't have any now, and that was fine with me. God was doing things in me and my family and that was more important than any stinkin' jerky snacks! So we go in....and its incredible, every jerky you could imagine....beef (of course), turkey, alligator, ostrich, buffalo, kangaroo even. And its just everywhere!!! They had huge barrels of every flavor of beef you could think of along the outside, with little samples pieces that you could try. Well we are walking through and I wanted to try a piece to see if we wanted to buy any. My mind thought of it as a snack (which I am not eating either) but I rationalized it through that we were on our way to lunch and it was just part of lunch, not a snack, just a try to see if we would buy it. Five minutes later John says "you just ate meat." I almost cried right there in the jerky outlet. I couldn't believe it. I had gone 39 days...and now I screw up!! I was so upset with myself. I didn't even think of it as meat in my brain. I was crushed!!

One cool thing I can say (now that its over) is John was very compassionate about it. He knew it hurt my feelings, he knew I was upset...and he was very comforting about, very sweet!

I did feel like I was in trouble though. I had worked so hard, for so many days...and to screw it up on the next to last day. I was so quiet at lunch...I wanted to puke, I wanted to cry, I wanted to just curl up in a ball. Then it got worse....

John was telling me about a couple we had been talking to at the Great Wolf Lodge, and he mentioned my fast to the wife. She said that they had done a 21 day Daniel fast in January. (Awesome!! Small world really!!) Anyways...he said that she asked why wasn't he fasting too....well he then says to me that he told her because he didn't believe in church. I know my face went blank, I almost cried (again!) right there in Ryan's this time. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. I immediately felt like I was being punished. 39 days of fasting, reading, and praying....was now ruined in my mind. I was totally defeated.

I asked him why would he say that. He replied that everyone always assumed the worst when you say that. I agreed, I couldn't believe he would say that. I was so hurt at that exact moment. Say that you don't go with us or whatever...but don't believe! I barely spoke the entire ride home.

My love dare for the 39th day was to write a letter to you spouse explaining why you were in it for the long haul, why you are commited to them, and why you love them. Through writing that letter, I realized how far we had come. How much closer we are, how much more connected we are, how I see him through different eyes now. And I thought about what he said about not beleiving in church and that people assume the worst. He was right! I assumed the worst, I assumed that was the end of it. But he didnt say that he didn't beleive in God...just church. There's a difference. Baby steps....but there is still hope. And I will keep trying, and keep asking, and keep praying...one day....but either way, I still love him with all my heart, and covenant with God to always love him!!

New things....

SO much has been going on its been hard to find time to blog about any of it.

I don't even really know where to start. I am still fasting....please don't take that as a complaint because really its not. It has been amazing! Really! God is showing me some incredible stuff...about my self, my purpose, my family's purpose....its just so cool!

One day during the fast a friend and I decided to do a complete fast, water only. I was scared to death. (I can say that right?) I just knew I would be so hungry. I was used to eating all day, how could I even imagine that I could go all day with just water? I don't even like water!! And then to top it off...it snowed a ton that day, so I was stuck at home. Meanwhile the kids are eating every 5 seconds!! But ya know what...God is so much bigger than my stomach and its stupid wants. It was an incredible day. God dropped something in my spirit that day that really changed my outlook on things.

I was online chatting with a friend on facebook, just innocent talking about work. I was sort of complaining about changes and stress and being tired....that's when He dropped it in my heart...."You're not there for that." What you say God??? He said again "You are not there just to sell furniture. Look at the lives you are touching, affecting, changing. That is what you are there for. Shine my light!"

I almost starting weeping right there on the spot. It was incredible. There is really no other way to describe it. I always thought of my job as just that....A JOB and nothing else. I never thought about God having a purpose for me at work other than providing for my family. To think He wanted me there....that there are people there that I am supposed to influence. I needed to get over myself, and my complaints, and my stress and do what HE WANTS ME TO DO!!! Duh??

And once I did....here's the kicker. I was all in a tizzy about a new sales manager, what would he be like, too pushy, too mean, too hardcore, untruthful....the prospects scared me to death. Well this week he started a sales meeting by talking about how we all need to follow the example of Jesus! What? Say that again? A boss talking about using Jesus as an example?? Could this be happening? Here??? God is awesome!!!

Ok....so I am starting to ramble but I can't help myself. I am just feeling a difference, seeing a difference....and ready for more!!! Bring it!!

A 2fer day!!

Ok....so I havent blogged in like a month, and I have 2 things on my heart today!

While I was in the shower this morning, God reminded me of a song that we used to sing at our church in SC. It was written by someone in a family very close to my heart, and I love it!!
So I thought I would share the words this morning....

"You knew me when living was easy
not much was required for me to be satisfied.
You knew me when I started to hunger
I started to thrist like never before.
In my dark days You were a light to me.
In my blindness I began to see
that You have always known me
and more and more You've shown me.

Like a stream in the desert
You're restoring my soul.
Like a cool, clean, living water
running over, and over, and over."

That's one of the many things God has for us...He is a restorer of our soul!!
Take it in...accept it....be refreshed....walk in that refreshing today!!

A new experience

At the beginning of my fast...I was thinking wow! this is going to be easy, and I am going to get what I want no problem. Well I had a rude awakening last night....but it the end it was good for me.

I just assumed if I was fasting for something in particular, that if I was doing what I promised God I would do...then it would just be handed to me, no questions asked.

WRONG!!!!

First of all, my way of it happening and HIS way of it happening may be 2 completely different things. I have to bow to His ways, and wait patiently. (Man! That word keeps coming up alot in my studies lately. Why is it so hard to be patient??)

The second thing is the devil is not just going to sit back and let me have it without a fight. He knows if this works out, then this house will be a powerful force for the kingdom. When I think of all the things God has already done through just me and the girls....the miracles, the healings, the blessings...I can only imagine how amazing it will be when we are ALL in agreement. And the devil knows that...he not going to give up that easily. It is still a daily battle...even though we sometimes we forget he is doing everything he can to stop us.

Last night as I lay in my bed crying and reading in my bible, and I felt God direct me to Proverbs 4. Here is a wonderful verse that spoke to me....

"When you walk, your steps will not be hindered, and when you run, you will not stumble."
Proverbs 4:12