I really am trying....I promise. Thankfully the Lord is being patient with me....He is giving me the time to ask my questions, to understand, and process ALL that is going on lately. All without getting angry or disappointed in me.
I am slowly starting to get a clue....does that mean I understand it yet?...no. Does that mean I stopped questioning?...no. Does that mean I can accept it completely yet?.....no, but I'm working on it. God is hitting me with it in small bits so I can soak it all in.
It started with a verse reference. I get emailed to me each day 4 different scriptures....one on faith, one on prayer, one on healing, and then just one extra for good measure. Honestly, some days I don't get the time to really take it all in like I would like too...in fact some days I don't even have time to read it....but this day, I sat there and just stared at the words for a long time...reading them over and over and over.
It was this verse in Habakkuk 2
3 For the vision is yet for an appointed time; But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, It will not tarry.
I just sat there and read it so many times....God told me Abigail would be healed, but in His time, not mine. That I just needed to calm down, have peace about it....and wait for it. Now don't get me wrong here....I still believe she should have the surgery. I don't believe that God is saying wait for Him to miraculously heal her....but wait to see His vision for her come to pass.
So I took that as a word directly from God.
Then today on the way home from work....I think He spoke to me again but this time in a song.
The words say "You're not alone for I am here, I will wash away your every fear. My love I've never left your side and I have seen you through your darkest nights. I'm the one who's loved you all you life."
That hit me like a ton of bricks....I balled coming down that mountain road!!! He is right here....even when it feels like He's not sometimes....He's right there just waiting for me to ask Him to help. Well I am right here asking Lord....I feel so overwhelmed by all of this....work, home, church, Abigail....I need Your guidance...and more than anything Your peace about it all.
When I got home tonight, I started reading in a new bible study that me and a wonderful friend just started calling "Knowing God by Name". It takes Hebrew names of God and explains them, with verses and old hymns...well tonight's lessons was about Yahweh...and it talks about "I AM"...the thing I really got from this study is He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
Bottom line is He hasn't let me down yet, so why would He start now????
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
The mom in me
I am trying so hard to just hold it all together....be the calm cool christian believer who knows everything will be ok, to praise Him anyways, to smile and say she's fine, to do my regular every day stuff....when really I feel so overwhelmed by it all.
Everyone else seems to be so calm with it....meanwhile its all I can think about. It is literally worrying me to death. Now granted I am a worrier at heart, I can't help myself. But this is a new one for me....none of us or our children have really had to go through anything like this. My husband, my mom, even my friends are all so together about this....and I feel like a mess on the inside. Maybe its just the mom in me.... I don't know....but I don't know how to be any different.
The biggest question on my heart lately is why would He let her go through this? If His ultimate goal is for her to be healed and live out the plans He has for her....why this way? Why suffer? why surgery? why any imperfection? why the risk? why the worry? why the hole?
At first I was very upset by my doubt...but our pastor said this morning, you have to believe in something first to even have a doubt. So I know that I believe He is in control, and He only has plans of good for her...but still all the whys!!! I have got to work through these questions and get a peace about them...but at this point....I'm not really sure how yet.
Everyone else seems to be so calm with it....meanwhile its all I can think about. It is literally worrying me to death. Now granted I am a worrier at heart, I can't help myself. But this is a new one for me....none of us or our children have really had to go through anything like this. My husband, my mom, even my friends are all so together about this....and I feel like a mess on the inside. Maybe its just the mom in me.... I don't know....but I don't know how to be any different.
The biggest question on my heart lately is why would He let her go through this? If His ultimate goal is for her to be healed and live out the plans He has for her....why this way? Why suffer? why surgery? why any imperfection? why the risk? why the worry? why the hole?
At first I was very upset by my doubt...but our pastor said this morning, you have to believe in something first to even have a doubt. So I know that I believe He is in control, and He only has plans of good for her...but still all the whys!!! I have got to work through these questions and get a peace about them...but at this point....I'm not really sure how yet.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
My angel....
I have to say yesterday was a very rough day for me. Abigail had her 3 yr check up with her cardiologist for the hole in her heart. I knew that I knew that I knew that God had taken care of it and healed her. If you look at her, nothing looks "wrong" with her....she's growing as she should, developing as she should...nothing looks out of the ordinary. So I really believed that it was over. That we would go into that doctor's office and he would say "wow, I don't know how...but that hole is gone!" All along I would know it was God. I was sure that was how it would play out. I worked really hard to not think of the alternatives, to not consider the "other" options, to not even think about it.
Well....that's not what happened at all. As soon as the doctor walked in her started talking about "the procedure"....I could have been blown over like a feather. It was the exact opposite of what I expected to hear. I started crying right away...he says its really ok, she'll be fine, don't cry. I couldn't help it though...I was so disappointed. Not that I think she won't survive, or the procedure won't help her....but I was so sure that I had heard from God...it was like a slap in the face.
Of course almost immediately the devil starts whispering in my ear....you didn't pray enough, or see He doesn't love you, or why did you think He would do that for you, or if you had just..., or if you only.... Tons of negative thoughts started zooming through my mind. The devil hit me all day with the "you didn't pray enough" one...We got home and my head was just pounding with all the information, so I went and laid down for a nap with my little angel. She is so amazing....so calm at the doctor and after, even asked if we were going to the hospital today. She says to me "I love you angel" and I can't help but tear up again. I just hate the thought of her going through this....
Finally later in the evening, I was able to find some things to praise Him for in this trial anyways....
First, the doctor said she is an excellent candidate for a new less evasive procedure where they insert a device through a catheter in her leg, rather than open heart. Please continue to pray with me for this!!
Secondly, the doctor also believes that all of her lung issues are linked to this. He believes by fixing the hole in her heart, mostly likely the asthma/allergy/pneumonia issues will all go away too!
And third...luckily a wonderful nurse and then a wonderful friend confirmed that I should try to apply for medicaid for her, because of her issues....I didn't think we would ever qualify, but I decided to apply anyways....well we qualified by a margin of $60!!! That was definitely God...because now all of these trips to Duke will be 100% covered!!!
Please pray with me for continued strength and joy throughout this ordeal....they say it could be 3 months before she is able to get an appointment. I know she is not on death's door, or waiting will hurt her....its just the anticipation. I am ready for all of this to be over for her. Luckily the doctor also said she probably won't even remember it.
Here's the lesson learned in all of this....yes God said to me that she is healed....but He didn't say how or when. I imposed those stipulations on the situation, I ASSUMED it would be miraculously, I assumed it would just close on its own....maybe God's plan all along was this special doctor at Duke with a special new device that could fix all of her problems. I just have to believe that He has it all in control...and He will take care of my little angel!!!
Well....that's not what happened at all. As soon as the doctor walked in her started talking about "the procedure"....I could have been blown over like a feather. It was the exact opposite of what I expected to hear. I started crying right away...he says its really ok, she'll be fine, don't cry. I couldn't help it though...I was so disappointed. Not that I think she won't survive, or the procedure won't help her....but I was so sure that I had heard from God...it was like a slap in the face.
Of course almost immediately the devil starts whispering in my ear....you didn't pray enough, or see He doesn't love you, or why did you think He would do that for you, or if you had just..., or if you only.... Tons of negative thoughts started zooming through my mind. The devil hit me all day with the "you didn't pray enough" one...We got home and my head was just pounding with all the information, so I went and laid down for a nap with my little angel. She is so amazing....so calm at the doctor and after, even asked if we were going to the hospital today. She says to me "I love you angel" and I can't help but tear up again. I just hate the thought of her going through this....
Finally later in the evening, I was able to find some things to praise Him for in this trial anyways....
First, the doctor said she is an excellent candidate for a new less evasive procedure where they insert a device through a catheter in her leg, rather than open heart. Please continue to pray with me for this!!
Secondly, the doctor also believes that all of her lung issues are linked to this. He believes by fixing the hole in her heart, mostly likely the asthma/allergy/pneumonia issues will all go away too!
And third...luckily a wonderful nurse and then a wonderful friend confirmed that I should try to apply for medicaid for her, because of her issues....I didn't think we would ever qualify, but I decided to apply anyways....well we qualified by a margin of $60!!! That was definitely God...because now all of these trips to Duke will be 100% covered!!!
Please pray with me for continued strength and joy throughout this ordeal....they say it could be 3 months before she is able to get an appointment. I know she is not on death's door, or waiting will hurt her....its just the anticipation. I am ready for all of this to be over for her. Luckily the doctor also said she probably won't even remember it.
Here's the lesson learned in all of this....yes God said to me that she is healed....but He didn't say how or when. I imposed those stipulations on the situation, I ASSUMED it would be miraculously, I assumed it would just close on its own....maybe God's plan all along was this special doctor at Duke with a special new device that could fix all of her problems. I just have to believe that He has it all in control...and He will take care of my little angel!!!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I live to worship....
I know I blogged on this same subject last time, but this is really on my heart lately. Someone brought up this song today, and I love it!!! This video is so powerful too.
We seem to take for granted that we have the freedom to worship our God anyway we want, anywhere we want, anytime we want. But yet we still seem to hide Him away. Yeah, we'll go to church and sing and dance and cry a few tears...but then we leave the building, and before we even get out of the parking lot we're yelling at the kids, or arguing with the husband, or complaining about traffic, or hating having to go to work. We get to work, and we are a completely different person, forgetting all about that amazing worship service we were part of....we go home, and we forget about praising Him anyways....until we go back to church on Wednesday. Then we praise our guts out again....until we leave the building again, and its starts all over again. Why can't we continue to praise Him through out our day no matter what happens? Or let me change that.....why can't I continue to praise Him throughout the day? Why can I worship Him with everything I have at church or in the car....but when it comes to my regular life I can't seem to get it right??? I want to REMEMBER to thank Him anyways, to love on Him anyways, to sing to Him anyways...no matter what my circumstances look like. That's what we were MADE to do!!!
I have been working for a while with a group of amazing kids at church called Celebration Kidz. Again, if you had asked me 5 years ago if this is the ministry I would be involved in, I would have said no. But God had it planned all along!! He has to remind me of that occasionally too....this morning in church there was a new person singing on the praise team, and for a second my flesh was so jealous, I could feel that spirit coming over me. I wanted to be singing. But God quicken in my spirit....do you forget so quickly? How amazing was your praise and worship time with those kids just 5 minutes ago? That is where I have called you to be. That is what you are supposed to be doing. You are using all your talents for my glory with these kids. That is what you were made to do right now.....and He is so right! I love being with those kids....I am in awe of them every time we meet. So this week I ask for your prayers for Celebration Kidz. They have learned so much in the last few weeks....and starting Sunday, they get to put it to use. We are having our Kidz Krusade at church, and they will be the praise team for the entire week. I just want them to be as free in service as they are in practice. You can see the love for God on their little faces...and I want everyone to see that!!! So help me pray for calm, confident spirits for each of these children....that they can show the love of Jesus to all of our church family and any visitors through their praise and worship of our amazing God!!!!
We seem to take for granted that we have the freedom to worship our God anyway we want, anywhere we want, anytime we want. But yet we still seem to hide Him away. Yeah, we'll go to church and sing and dance and cry a few tears...but then we leave the building, and before we even get out of the parking lot we're yelling at the kids, or arguing with the husband, or complaining about traffic, or hating having to go to work. We get to work, and we are a completely different person, forgetting all about that amazing worship service we were part of....we go home, and we forget about praising Him anyways....until we go back to church on Wednesday. Then we praise our guts out again....until we leave the building again, and its starts all over again. Why can't we continue to praise Him through out our day no matter what happens? Or let me change that.....why can't I continue to praise Him throughout the day? Why can I worship Him with everything I have at church or in the car....but when it comes to my regular life I can't seem to get it right??? I want to REMEMBER to thank Him anyways, to love on Him anyways, to sing to Him anyways...no matter what my circumstances look like. That's what we were MADE to do!!!
I have been working for a while with a group of amazing kids at church called Celebration Kidz. Again, if you had asked me 5 years ago if this is the ministry I would be involved in, I would have said no. But God had it planned all along!! He has to remind me of that occasionally too....this morning in church there was a new person singing on the praise team, and for a second my flesh was so jealous, I could feel that spirit coming over me. I wanted to be singing. But God quicken in my spirit....do you forget so quickly? How amazing was your praise and worship time with those kids just 5 minutes ago? That is where I have called you to be. That is what you are supposed to be doing. You are using all your talents for my glory with these kids. That is what you were made to do right now.....and He is so right! I love being with those kids....I am in awe of them every time we meet. So this week I ask for your prayers for Celebration Kidz. They have learned so much in the last few weeks....and starting Sunday, they get to put it to use. We are having our Kidz Krusade at church, and they will be the praise team for the entire week. I just want them to be as free in service as they are in practice. You can see the love for God on their little faces...and I want everyone to see that!!! So help me pray for calm, confident spirits for each of these children....that they can show the love of Jesus to all of our church family and any visitors through their praise and worship of our amazing God!!!!
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